Personal Update: It’s No Longer All In My Head!

Well, it never really ever was all in my head.

My arms, legs and the rest of my body have been affected too. But most of it was because things weren’t functioning as intended in my brain (which still IS in my head), and since brain functions control so many other things (like how our body functions, and how we communicate), when brain chemistry is altered (with or without choice or permission) then body functions will be altered too.

Think of what happens when you have a drink, then a few more, and then finish the bottle… Are you functioning the same way before drinking as after?

Personal Update Part One:

I am doing a lot better these days, in some ways even thousands of times better than I was doing by the time I left Bloor Street in May of 2010. I can now usually get through most of my days without everything requiring constant, exhausting effort, but it hasn’t turned into me being able to do or accomplish that much more in actual practical terms.

I still have brain issues and most of the other practical limitations that come from MCS/ES and a toxic brain injury, but recently, I have started feeling so much better!

I am trying to wrap my mind around that because it doesn’t make logical, rational sense to me. How is it that I can feel so much better without doing so much better?

Maybe it has just been so long since I’ve felt even halfway ok, and because some part of my brain chemistry is working differently and more normally…?

Whatever it is, it isn’t tangible, but it is a very welcome change!

water dance

Part Two: Insights

I previously mentioned that I am feeling better, but I was confused because I am still sometimes bumping into things and having other chemical exposure and brain injury effects, so it didn’t make sense to me how I could feel better but still be significantly disabled (because the 2 have been so interconnected).

Today it dawned on me that what is gone is the feeling we have in our head when we have a cold or the flu.

My head has felt like I’ve had a very, very, very, very (x 1,000,000 more) bad cold or flu for so many years, that I’ve been having trouble processing what has changed, because it has been so very many years since my head didn’t feel like I had such a bad cold or the flu, that I don’t remember the feeling of what it’s like to not be affected like that. But that is what it is that feels different now!!!

And, just like when we recover from a cold or flu, we will still have an amputated leg if we had a leg amputated before we got the cold or flu, I still have the disabling challenges from the brain injury that get “enhanced” by toxic exposures.

It has been happening slowly, almost imperceptibly over the two and a half years I have lived here in chemically safer housing. I do remember that I started noticing little changes as early as about 2 months after I moved here. Every other month or so I would experience an extremely unsettling week or more, after which I felt another improvement and more healing had occurred. This fall I even had a couple of days I realized I’d felt like a regular human being, not a disabled one! And now this, things have been different many days in a row! But since it has been happening so slowly, it has been hard to figure out what is different.

What has made it weirder for me to process and understand is that the other symptoms have always occurred together with the brain fogs, which usually came first, or got worse first, so that I knew I had to take extra precautions when doing things, as my focus and co-ordination would be “off”.

I suspect this might have something to do with the more permanent toxic brain injury, (probably from the gas leaks at 1844) happening after my severe MCS/ES was already in full swing, so that it wasn’t obvious from within the thick cold and flu-like fogs what was what, and how severely my brain had been injured.

So now, depending on how many times I’ll trip up on something, if it’s often enough to make me notice and recognize a pattern, I may have to extend some effort on retraining for a new normal


I definitely have to get used to not feeling sick all the time!!!

This is so recent and unusual that I am still blown away by it!

Image by z3rogravity via Robert Thurman

Image by z3rogravity via Robert Thurman

I have no idea where this is going, and how much more healing I can experience, but 2014 is off to a good start!

My wish is that the causes and conditions are created so that everyone can experience  healing!

8 responses to “Personal Update: It’s No Longer All In My Head!

  1. good news – all the best, Linda – Maie

  2. Whatever is going on to make you feel better, I am all for it.

  3. I am so glad you are feeling better! “They say” chemically safer housing makes such a big difference, and I think it does, too. I understand what you mean about being better but still significantly disabled! I think that is pretty common with MCS, because before beginning recovery, many of us are SO disabled that it’s hard to comprehend….

    • It is incredible to have the deep fog lifted after so many years!

      It could be that some type of inflammation has gone down, but some of the chemical damage is still ongoing. This is something I’d love to have been able to have more neuroscientific research on.

      Had I been able to access safer housing BEFORE, it could have prevented so many years of almost complete disability…

      Chemically safe housing is an absolute MUST for us!
      Being away from wireless / microwave radiation and other EMF issues can be equally important. Unfortunately that remains a big issue here.

      However, there is hope that things will keep improving, and for that I am very grateful.

      We still need to find a way to make safer housing available for everyone who needs it, when they need it, because there is so much needless suffering that could be prevented with medically required safe housing.

      • I agree–would love to see neuroscientific research on that!!
        EXACTLY–safer housing BEFORE it gets so bad prevents a lot of stuff!!! Oh, it’s such a big problem. For so many people.
        I hope things DO continue improving!!

  4. Happy New Year!!!
    Well I think I’m experiencing something very similar because when I avoid exposures, stressors (this can be brought on even by just trying to THINK) and specially electro-magnetic exposure (cell pones, P.C’s, microwave, etc., etc.) my brain fog (and FM) also lifts, mostly temporarily because being housebound the P.C. is my only communication with the outer-world (out of my environmentally controlled environment or home), so it sounds very familiar to me. I suppose we get “time out” (of exposure) to heal, similar to the healing processes that take place when we sleep or rest. Being constantly under attack our bodies can only use all the efforts to counter attack as best they can so there is no strength or energy left to heal and repair. Having that time to heal and repair in a friendly and healthy environment makes all the difference!
    I’m glad to know you are healing, slowly but surely. I hope we may all benefit from safer-housing and enjoy a healthy and friendly environment to rest, repair and heal in the near future.
    Best wishes for all.

    • Happy New Year Therese!

      Wouldn’t it be nice if communication devices didn’t disable us even more?

      There was so much stray voltage/current on my phone line in Toronto (after the line had been illegally cut and reattached a few times) that I couldn’t use the phone for more than 5 minutes a WEEK! It felt like a swarm of bees was getting very angry in my head after a minute or few…
      It was only by accident that I discovered there was such an issue as stray voltage or current on phone lines when it happened at the cabin, and when I was having the internet connected, the technician called to say he found me a line without any on it!!!
      I had asked them to check if it was properly grounded because I was having the same issues using the phone there once I finally had it connected. We’re talking land lines… It was so much worse with cell phones, even using speaker phone.

      Before the major brain injury, I used to recover from the brain fogs between exposures, but there came a point when it became a constant companion.
      My FM also almost vanishes when exposures are eliminated (or vastly reduced)

      And thinking CAN use up all our energy! I had so much trouble communicating because I couldn’t find the words, or remember enough of the context to put them in (and as you know, with MCS/ES, there are so many variables, one thing dependent on another thing, which can change daily as our exposures change), and when I struggled to communicate a sentence anyway, it could take an hour to get it together online and it would still be taken out of context! Plus people would assume it took me the same 5 seconds it took them! It was exhausting and then it made it difficult to think of the steps required to make something to eat (because those did not arise naturally either).

      Many people got very pissed off at me and made all kinds of erroneous assumptions about my health, my motivation, and my abilities during that time… I didn’t have the ability to set things right. Those people did not give me the time to do it. Even though I can communicate better now, some people still prefer their assumptions to asking me what is really going on.

      Something jumped out at me in your description of what happens to our bodies after we are assaulted by exposures (yes, they do feel like assaults, sometimes breathing in some fragranced product can feel the same as being hit over the head with a 2×4, and take as long to recover from) You mention a counter attack.

      I never saw it that way. I am vaguely remembering now some instructions for people with cancer to imagine good internal armies fighting the cancer in their bodies, so perhaps that is where the concept has come from. I find that too violent! It’s like the whole military/industrial complex has us fighting against ourselves and each other, instead of working peacefully with and for each other.

      I can see our invisible little processes (I need to re-learn all my scientific terminology) working to regain some kind of functional equilibrium and needing time to recover (like broken bones do) after being scrambled and injured by chemicals or EMF/EMR, and supporting them in every way I can by doing things like eating only organic foods and not doing things that don’t support healing… I guess for me it has been more of a “retreat, support and recover” process, to the best of my abilities.

      So yes, “Having that time to heal and repair in a friendly and healthy environment makes all the difference!” and is so very important. Since we so rarely have access to this (even here) I think it helps when we are as friendly as we can be with ourselves first of all! This is something we CAN do for ourselves ♥

      What do you think? Do you think this could make a difference for you?

  5. Yesterday’s strong winds from the direction of all the dryer vent which emit toxic chemicals from conventional laundry products must have pushed a lot of the chemicals in through the cracks (20 year old window and door seals are not very effective) because last night I developed a headache and today I the brain fog (inflammation?) is back and my Fibromyalgia has flared.

    At least now I know that this too will pass, even if briefly… I am grateful for whatever periods I have without the fogs and pain…

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